How to be yourself outside your room

 "Be yourself" is one of the things every philosophy, guru, friend, teacher, parent, la dee da tells you as the number one rule of life. I tell it to myself every day but what the hell does that mean? It beats me. Because I am not one thing. I am many but I can't be all of that in one place at a certain time and day and that particular alignment of the stars. But yes, I've noticed that I am scared of rejection. I acknowledge it fully. I am super scared of rejection. I didn't strike up a few conversations because I assumed that they didn't want to talk and didn't even find out because I didn't want to get no as an answer even though that would be fine with me. I am scared of rejection. But I want to let go of that fear now. I want to roam fear-free. Practically, I could start by taking chances I didn't before. But first, I need to observe when I stop myself due to fear of rejection then only I can understand and change it. 

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Cole World

Moonlight

The night seemed to come alive,

we were walking on an empty path, 

laughing about life,

The moon was big and bright,

It seemed closer to the earth 

We were smitten by the beauty of the moonlight,

felt the cold air touch our face and 

went further to wander but

not too far away

so that our home would still be in sight

I felt connected to life, 

I felt warm and loved after a long time,

It's all in your head

I wake up as miserable I was at night.

I feel so weak 

I have anxiety and I feel myself relapsing into depression

I was always in a constant battle with anxiety

but this time it won, 

it has taken control of me,

paralysed my limbs and numbed my body

But it's all in my head, all in my head

while all my friends make new friends

I sit alone on my bed, lights off

tears streaming down my face

'you're pathetic' says a voice in my head

'you never go to any parties, what a loser'

maybe they're right

but it's not my fault, I say in defence

and a flashback begins of all my worst moments

But it's all in my head, all in my head

Shit, I need to go to college

I need to get out of bed somehow,

you can do this,

As I enter the class and I feel a thousand eyes looking at me,

'they didn't even notice' i say to make myself feel better

I sit next to the wall,

everyone takes their seat but no one sits beside me

I'm the only one sitting alone, 

'you're a fucking loner' a voice says

I feel myself about to burst into tears but
I hold the feeling until after class

but it's all in my head, all in my head

I can't stop comparing myself 

to my friends, my brother and my parents,

I love them 

but when I look myself, I ask

Why can't I be normal? I'm so fucking abnormal

I'm a disappointment

but it's all in my head, all in my head

I've never been in a relationship

because my self-esteem is so low

it's almost non-existent 

'they wouldn't want you for long.' the voices echo in my he-

but it doesn't matter because...

you know, it's all in my head, all in my head

I'm eighteen now, 

People are supposed to have the time of their life at this age,

For me, days just keep passing by like the wind,

and I stand at the same place

feeling absolutely nothing as my world shatters

how many times will you fight it? 

there comes a time when you just give up

I should have known, I'm just a depressed soul. 

But it's all in my head, all in my head, 

Fragile Heart

One day my heart might just give up,

Everyday in class, it thinks I’m in danger

Every time I raise my hand to answer a question,

It tells me not to,

How?

By beating as fast as it can,

By pounding against my chest cavity

As if, as if trying to get out of my rib cage

So, I come home

I listen to some music, calm my nerves

I make a list, list of positive thoughts to keep in mind

I write a stupid poem about anxiety

Put the problem to bed

Or so I thought

For the next 2 months, I am hit by the most severe

Panic attacks and shakiness

I cry and I cry until I can’t breathe

But I pretend to be normal the next day,

Now, I hate myself

I can’t get out of my room

Hell, I can’t even get out of my bed

I close my eyes for an extra hour after I wake up

Forcing myself to go to sleep,

Because being awake means being tortured

by only your thoughts,

This time is wasted,

My life seems like a task,

I feel dead inside,

I’m a ghost, maybe I always was

A ghost pretending to be human,

The end of me

Alone

Everything is weird. It's different and no, I don't want to get used to it. It's small and limiting. I feel trapped here and not very independent as I'm supposed to feel. I tried to make myself feel better by preaching the idea of being alone and being enough for yourself but it doesn't always work. I go on long walks because I want to escape myself, I want to escape this feeling of loneliness, this feeling of disconnection. The more become okay with being alone, the less effort I want to make to talk to people. It's confusing. I keep telling myself to go with the flow, laugh more and engage in the moment but the truth is I'm not okay. The past haunts me and so does the present. I walk down the road listening to music and observe the city so that I don't have to listen to my own thoughts. I feel alone and I know that only I can fix that but right now, I don't know what to do.