It's all in your head

I wake up as miserable I was at night.

I feel so weak 

I have anxiety and I feel myself relapsing into depression

I was always in a constant battle with anxiety

but this time it won, 

it has taken control of me,

paralysed my limbs and numbed my body

But it's all in my head, all in my head

while all my friends make new friends

I sit alone on my bed, lights off

tears streaming down my face

'you're pathetic' says a voice in my head

'you never go to any parties, what a loser'

maybe they're right

but it's not my fault, I say in defence

and a flashback begins of all my worst moments

But it's all in my head, all in my head

Shit, I need to go to college

I need to get out of bed somehow,

you can do this,

As I enter the class and I feel a thousand eyes looking at me,

'they didn't even notice' i say to make myself feel better

I sit next to the wall,

everyone takes their seat but no one sits beside me

I'm the only one sitting alone, 

'you're a fucking loner' a voice says

I feel myself about to burst into tears but
I hold the feeling until after class

but it's all in my head, all in my head

I can't stop comparing myself 

to my friends, my brother and my parents,

I love them 

but when I look myself, I ask

Why can't I be normal? I'm so fucking abnormal

I'm a disappointment

but it's all in my head, all in my head

I've never been in a relationship

because my self-esteem is so low

it's almost non-existent 

'they wouldn't want you for long.' the voices echo in my he-

but it doesn't matter because...

you know, it's all in my head, all in my head

I'm eighteen now, 

People are supposed to have the time of their life at this age,

For me, days just keep passing by like the wind,

and I stand at the same place

feeling absolutely nothing as my world shatters

how many times will you fight it? 

there comes a time when you just give up

I should have known, I'm just a depressed soul. 

But it's all in my head, all in my head, 

Fragile Heart

One day my heart might just give up,

Everyday in class, it thinks I’m in danger

Every time I raise my hand to answer a question,

It tells me not to,

How?

By beating as fast as it can,

By pounding against my chest cavity

As if, as if trying to get out of my rib cage

So, I come home

I listen to some music, calm my nerves

I make a list, list of positive thoughts to keep in mind

I write a stupid poem about anxiety

Put the problem to bed

Or so I thought

For the next 2 months, I am hit by the most severe

Panic attacks and shakiness

I cry and I cry until I can’t breathe

But I pretend to be normal the next day,

Now, I hate myself

I can’t get out of my room

Hell, I can’t even get out of my bed

I close my eyes for an extra hour after I wake up

Forcing myself to go to sleep,

Because being awake means being tortured

by only your thoughts,

This time is wasted,

My life seems like a task,

I feel dead inside,

I’m a ghost, maybe I always was

A ghost pretending to be human,

The end of me

Alone

Everything is weird. It's different and no, I don't want to get used to it. It's small and limiting. I feel trapped here and not very independent as I'm supposed to feel. I tried to make myself feel better by preaching the idea of being alone and being enough for yourself but it doesn't always work. I go on long walks because I want to escape myself, I want to escape this feeling of loneliness, this feeling of disconnection. The more become okay with being alone, the less effort I want to make to talk to people. It's confusing. I keep telling myself to go with the flow, laugh more and engage in the moment but the truth is I'm not okay. The past haunts me and so does the present. I walk down the road listening to music and observe the city so that I don't have to listen to my own thoughts. I feel alone and I know that only I can fix that but right now, I don't know what to do.

Change

It should be embraced but man, I hate it. It fucking scares me and makes me question everything. Why would I want to leave this place? I was only beginning to know it, I was only starting to fall in love with it. Why would I want to leave my friends? They're amazing and honestly, I can't help but question if we will survive this distance. Why would I want to leave this feeling of familiarity? I wouldn't.

It feels like starting over. Funny thing is that whenever I look back, I feel like it was meant to be. Every event that took place had a reason or maybe my brain wants me to think so.
Yes, things seemed bleak and scary but I made it through.

Don't get me wrong though, I want change, I want to go to a new place and meet new people. But as that moment comes closer, I feel so unprepared. I am caught off guard and I want to take a step back but I can't. I've already come too far. There's something unsettling about leaving, you start to look at people and places differently. The truth is you can never be truly prepared for change. It's going to surprise you, it's going to overwhelm you and there's nothing you can do about it.

Distance from home won't matter as time passes by but this time I don't want to have a countdown. I don't want to wait for college to get over. I don't want to wait to come back home. I don't know if these 4 years will be a blur or memorable or anything. All I know is I'm scared right now and it's because I don't know what and who will still be there with me after these 4 years. I want to be the same person but better. I want to learn and be independent.  I want my constants to remain constant. (you know who you are) I'm leaving but along with my clothes, I will be taking this city and a thousand memories with me.

4 years and I'll be someone else. Nah, I'll still be me.

Take a moment

Stop everything that you are doing and take a moment to appreciate yourself. And make sure that moment lasts forever. Try to get to know yourself and ask yourself how you are. Be honest about the answer, spill out all your insecurities, the disturbing thoughts and the moments that made you smile. Look at yourself in the mirror and talk to yourself.

I've seen such a positive change in me since last week. It's almost miraculous. I feel so confident inside and so balanced. I don't know if my friends and family can see the difference but I feel it and its so powerful. Well, it may be a little harder to see for them because they don't know how my anxiety used to crush me every other day. 

I was sick of it. It had been two years and there were moments where I gave up on important opportunities and on myself. I cried because I used to get so conscious of even the slightest critical remark or even a joke. I used to think that other people are mean and heartless. (Yes, I'm very dramatic so...) But I was the one who demeaned myself the most, the one who pointed out every flaw and made myself feel terribly bad about it. I still have those flaws but now I laugh about them. The same things that I found embarrassing are now funny because I've learned to laugh at my tiny flaws. I've learned that just because you are not doing well or are not good at playing the guitar, at playing basketball or at math does not mean that you'll never be. I was so pre-occupied about the fear of being likeable that it's all I thought about when I talked to them. There was an anxiety filter in my body and every word that came out of it was instilled with fear and nervousness. I couldn't even smile because it was like being trapped in the web of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. 

Anxiety is pressing and dark. It's not entirely invisible because you can see my palms swearing, you can hear my heart beating faster, my mouth drying up in an instant. I say that I'm nervous but I'm not just nervous, I'm dying. I can't breathe and I can hear my heart beating. 

I haven't felt that way in a long time and I feel like I'm looking at life with a new perspective. Sounds like some teleshopping testimony right? Well, it isn't, and trust me, with 3 installments of $19.99, you can be just like me!

Warrior

The commitment phobia. Any phobia or fear is because you're uncertain of what that situation might do to you. You plan it all out and you repeat the words in the your head but when you think of the situation, your heart starts beating faster, palms start sweating and your voice shrinks into a whisper.

Me and my demons: So, I've always had a problem with anxiety which sometimes results into a low self-esteem in situations that make me nervous. Whenever, I feel anxious my mind starts imagining the scenario and my chest starts feeling heavy and I can feel the confidence in me just collapsing in my ribcage. Sometimes, my palms even start sweating and they turn cold, and there is a strange tingling sensation in them. I know why but I don't. I know that the root of all of these symptoms is anxiety and stress. But why is it happening to me? Wrong question because no one can entirely answer that question.

The spotlight seems to be on me and normally I would love that but not when I feel powerless. Anxiety makes me think that I have failed even before I start. Even expressing my thoughts becomes difficult because my anxiety makes me feel like there is no importance in that thought. So what comes out externally is a meek voice stumbling with her words. Because I'm in this pressure of saying everything out in a blur, my sentences are incoherent. And my mouth is unbelievably dry, I mean I swear it had enough saliva a minute ago.

So my biggest fear?
Is for people to know my biggest weakness, to expose this state of mind, to openly admit to being in a battle with my anxiety.

Me in the past few days: So, this happened recently during my guitar class. I had to learn a song which was had a higher difficulty level than the songs that I had learnt before. This time, I was expected to get it well and fluently and I remember that while going to the class, my palms were sweating without warning. I ignored it and relaxed into the music I was listening to. When I reached the class, I had the worst time ever and not because I didn't enjoy the class but because I couldn't. I was in an anxious state of mind, sensitive to any criticism or comment.

The only thought that ran through my mind was that I need to get out of here. It took me by surprise that something I love so deeply can be affected by anxiety. Playing the guitar is something that I have been doing since the 8th grade and I love it. This time, I didn't even enjoy what I was playing because a voice in my head was constantly telling me that to give up.

This voice wasn't me, it was the anxiety.

Maybe this was because this whole week triggered anxiety for me due to various reasons. The reasons are quite trivial sometimes but what I want to focus on is getting a hold of this anxiety that has decided to live inside of me.

Instead of silently watching this anxiety take over me, I have decided to be pro-active and take steps to calm myself so that I can be comfortable with myself again. 
It takes a lot of effort, it takes dedication and it takes determination. My anxiety doesn't want that so it tries to convince me to give up and try tommorow. It wants me to put my plans on snooze and hope for the best but that is just delusional. 
So, I have decided to put down anything that I have and work towards this goal diligently.