The better parts of life

Going to the airport that morning, I felt optimistic. As my parents dropped us off at the gate, I removed my bag and said goodbye to them. I felt like I had done this a million times. In the airplane, I slept even though my neck hurt after every 15 minutes forcing me to wake up and change my position. 

When we got down from the plane, we came across an old lady struggling to board the bus with her luggage. She was short and was waiting to the path to clear but everyone just rushed in front of her, not giving her an inch to move. When she finally reached the door, she couldn’t lift her bag over the gap. Aditya immediately rushed towards her and offered her help. I could see the relief on her face as he lifted her heavy bag. He was probably her knight in shinning armour in an alien city. It was really nice to see him help her especially while no one else did. I was really proud of him at that moment.

So meet Aditya, my adopted brother. (just kidding, he's not adopted.) He is my little brother even though when we stand together people almost always mistake me for the younger one. I mean seriously? The height difference is really misleading. 

We're quite different from each other but we're still very close. It's with him that I know I can be myself, the stupidest version of myself. There are times when he annoys me to the point where I wish he would just disappear but then I find myself thinking how lucky I am to have him. He always tries to cheer me up with his lame jokes that I always laugh at, I somehow always do. Even when all of us hang out and Aditya comes up with a lame joke, I burst out into a laugh while everyone else is like "Really?". So that's our thing. I might not show him that I love him like he does because I don't do bear hugs. No matter how annoying he is, I can't stand other people talk bullshit about him because I'm the only one who can do that. He's my little brother who thinks he knows-it-all but I'll always be there on the sidelines to catch him if he falls.  

M.A.S forever.

Being in love.

Being in love is exactly like I had read about in the books, watched in the movies. It all seems beautiful as you step into it and as you walk further into the tunnel of love, you notice it getting darker and narrower. You hold on tight to the souvenirs, you collected on the way. The pictures, the clothes and the memories all of them start disappearing but you continue walking anyway, hoping to see the light at the end. 

Being in love is always having that person in the back of your mind everywhere you go. Waking up to the thought of him and going to bed, hoping that he loves you back. 

Being in love is having a crazy obsession with that person. That's what real love is, when he literally drives you crazy. The good kind of crazy. 

Being in love is being selfless. It's realising that you would give up anything for that person without even knowing if they'd do the same. That tends to really backfire and hurt when it's unrequited. 

Being in love is wanting to forgive that person for all the pain that he inflicted on you. 

Being in love is having the ability to fix him every time he falls apart bringing you down with him. 

In the beginning, it was like strapping on to a rollercoaster with unexpected twists and turns. But when it's over, you find yourself wanting to go back. You want it even more now. It's like telling yourself that this is the last episode or last piece of chocolate you'll have because you just can't stop yourself. Later, you reach flat ground, you can walk without looking down now. You see him waiting for you and you run to him and embrace him in your arms. He tells you everything you want to hear, all the times he missed you. You smile and a warm feeling encompasses you. You find yourself in this bubble of romance; fragile but still capable of withstanding heartbreak. As you get comfortable in that space, you start to trust him slowly. Through your eyes, he's perfect. His flaws are acceptable. He looks perfect in his worst and you admire him for who he is. Maybe not, because through all of this, your perception of him changes and you see him the way you want to. Every memory is altered because of your love. Even the ones you shared with him, both of you remember it differently with different emotions. Nothing is in black and white.

There comes a day when he wants to get out of the bubble. When he's tired of your shit, when he's had enough, when he is just not happy anymore. He contemplates on bursting it while you are disillusioned by his love. You're completely oblivious to this and then one night, you feel something sting your skin. The bubble doesn't exist anymore so you look around and see him standing with a needle in his hand, moving away from you. You try to reach out to him but he hides behind the shadows. This drives you crazy, it makes you pull out your hair and cry until your eyes are sore. You allow yourself to feel the pain for a while and then decide that you can only handle so much pain. Because before anyone else, you love yourself and you know that you matter.

The next morning, nothing's changed so you cry a little more. Go back to bed because you're not ready for the world yet. You decide that it's time you tell him the truth. Tell him what he couldn't see and what he should know. "I'm in love with you." you say, finally. "I didn't know." he says.
He didn't know. Makes you wonder how things would have been if you'd told him earlier.
You didn't lash out on him or demean him for everything that he did. You didn't want to.

Strangely, all you wanted to do was comfort him. You'd finally found him and you just wanted to hold his hand, look into his eyes and tell him that it'll get better. You wanted to be the one for him, not romantically but just be there. You genuinely cared about his happiness and realising that made you feel wonderful because the feeling was so real and powerful.

Being in love is learning about yourself. Realising the kind of love you are capable of. 

Final goodbye

Why do I feel like history is waiting to repeat itself? This time though without any reason. 

I feel like I scare you with my strong, raw and real emotions that I bleed. 

When I lock my eyes to yours and say I love you subtly, of course.

I hold you close and tight, scared that I might lose you. 

At times like these, I feel that you’ve had enough of it. 

That your love is sporadic instead of a constant flow. 

That it ends as soon as it beginnings. 

That you shut me out as hard as you pull me towards you. 

You distance yourself 

Maybe I’m overthinking but it’s so not like you

To be so distant and have conversations so few

That night I heard you say the same thing,

I believed it, I wanted to and then you broke my heart

3 weeks later, I hear you again as those words escaped your mouth,

It’s been days and we haven’t talked,

Every intimate moment we share brings me closer to you

and crazier in love

But drives you farther apart. 

I don’t want to seem invasive,

Since you don’t want to talk,

I feel stupid for wanting to,

So I just read our conversations.

Ever since I noticed you were distancing, 

I was constantly deciding whether I should text you or not. 

Wondering if you even wanted to talk.

So finally, I text you with a simple- “hey”

And grab my phone with excitement as you reply back. 

We talk for a few minutes while I fight the urge to tell you how much I miss you. 

You don’t either 

As I begin to feel better,

you end the conversation by saying that you’re too busy to talk.

Been that way since the past 3 days,

I play it cool and hide my emotions well,

Don’t reply to your last message 

because it was goodbye

Rewind

You don't feel the same, 

These emotions you don't need to feign

Stop lying to me already

Actually don't 

I can't hear the truth now

I’m in this deep, I might drown

You’ve made me fall in love

Unrequited it is, I have to learn to live with that

Do you ever learn? When will I forget?

Is it unfixable like a ship-wreck?

I regret falling for you again

but I don't regret the time we spent

I’ve kept it on repeat in my head

While you’ve deleted and cleared out the ‘mess’

I realised that 

You were never into me

I was a distraction, a muse, something temporary, 

The crazy part is that I cant hate you

I’d take you back in a heartbeat

Wishful thinking and daydreams 

I know you’ve made up your mind

And here I am looking for rewind. 

Life and all that stuff

Today, when I was sitting on my couch with my math textbook on my lap with my dad sitting right across me, he asks me a question. I look up, expecting a question about school or my friends but what I hear is something completely different. "What have you learnt from life up till now?" he asks me looking straight into my eyes. Life? Questions about life always make me think and I love where these conversations take me but I honestly didn't expect my dad to ask me this out of the blue. I closed my book and looked up, I do that when I think. A thousand thoughts popped and flowed through my mind but it was hard to hold on to even one of them. I took a few seconds to answer and when I did I told him that I had not experienced life completely yet but from what I did, I can tell him what I thought. He nodded his head in agreement and waited for me to speak. "Well, I've learnt that at this stage, the most important thing in life is to believe in yourself." While I was saying this, I was aware of how cheesy all of it sounded but I knew that it was true. 

I knew what I was talking about because that's what life taught me. I said,"Waiting for people to recognise your talent and appreciate you is not worth it." He could tell that that's something I had done and was deeply affected by. Well, I didn't exactly expect him to remember because we never talk about it anymore. He seemed pretty satisfied with my answer and both of us took a minute to think. Then I asked him the same question and it seemed like he was waiting to tell me. He said," I've learnt that nothing is permanent." How did I not think of that? That's the most amazing part about life. It's always changing and transforming individuals for better or for worse. I immediately agreed with him with a big yes. He seemed really wise when he was explaining himself to me. And as we went back to believing in ourselves, he opened up about his feelings of frustration when he had felt undermined in his workplace. It was a little strange at first because for some reason I always thought that my dad can never really have feelings of inadequacy. I mean he always put up a strong front and never showed his feelings of disappointment to me.  I can understand why he's thinking about this right now because ever since he quit his job, everything's new to him. But he also talked about 2012 when he was diagnosed with cancer; when he spoke about it, it made me upset. I was oblivious to his condition until he got treated which made me feel like I wasn't around to support him. But I'm glad it's all over now.  

I don't know why but I really liked this conversation with him. Earlier, we never really spoke about these things and it's nice to have meaningful conversations sometimes. 

Invisible

That morning, when I woke up

I wanted to stay in bed, couldn't get up

Suddenly, I had lost direction, life and ambition.

Unwillingly, I pushed myself out of bed.

Work was a blur, conversations I don’t even remem-ber. 

Things didn’t matter anymore, my hair or the clothes that I wore. 

Driven by no desire, I felt empty

I wandered around like the dust

moving with wind and settling down when it stopped

Every time I heard that word,

a shockwave travelled through my body,

I felt defeated and my voice felt shaky,

Tears would instantly flow,

I looked up the sky,

There are too many people here,

School made me hate myself,

Changed the reflection that i saw in the mirror

Labelled me like an item at the grocery store,

I started to believe them

2 months passed by,

the sadness remained fixated

inside me,

I was afraid it would never leave

Watching the blood on my skin

I looked at the time, the lights were dim

I felt relieved for the first time

I'd found a way to cheat 

Out of the mental hell i was in

My thoughts became darker,

I was full of secrets,

6 months after,

A new beginning came knocking,

Slowly and unknowingly

I finally got to know myself

Familiarity and understanding

Both, came suddenly

Now that I look back

on that chapter,

I realised people can be vicious

Breaking a 14 year old's dream

was not uncommon,

Labelling her when she didn't know herself

seemed acceptable,

Ignoring her screams and teary eyes

usual

mocking her 'fake' tears, hilarious

All around her, were people

but she couldn't talk to even one

Fearing rejection 

She confided in the internet

2 years later,

She's not the same now,

will never be

She has stopped trying to please people

She has promised to never lose herself,

Her desires and dreams are alive ,

And now she wants to help others 

see the light

at the end of the tunnel

The same tunnel that seemed to be never- ending. 

Depression is a serious mental illness and no, it's not something you can just shake off. You might not immediately know if a person is depressed because a lot of times, people choose to hide to evade the embarrassment that comes with admitting that they are suffering from a mental illness. It's invisible but slowly breaks you down from inside. 

I wrote this because I know how it feels when you're in that state of mind. I'm not saying that this poem is an exact replica of what happened with me but a lot of people can relate. 

So, my advice would be to not wait for as long as I did, 

You should talk to your friends and family about it..

Hope this helped. 

xoxox

The Unrequited Love

We all know how this goes.

It’s never, ever, ever, ever going to be possible, not in a million years.

But you still hold on to it. You refuse to let go. Because every time you see him, all you feel is love. You fall in love with him and the world all over again. Every thing seems more alive. For a few minutes you forget about all your problems. You take a chance, you free fall, and dive.

The funny thing is how inconspicuously it happens.

It starts with a crush.

You know its him when

Little things get you excited, like when you talk to him, when your shoulders brush.

You smile to yourself when you think about the time when he unexpectedly took a picture of you. Or the time when he sat so close to you.

 But then it transforms into something more powerful, more intense. That’s when it hits you, you are in love. Wow, what a wonderful feeling to be in until you realize that it’s only you.

You thought time would help. Wrong, you were. Time didn’t change anything. Feelings remained constant, unchanged, untouched, and unfazed.

Songs that remind you of him, you still have them on repeat.

Places that remind you of him, you still go to.

Photographs that are a painful reminder of him, you still go through.

It was beautiful in the beginning, it still is but you know you have to let go.

Let it go. Let it go. Only because if you don’t it will destroy you.

The power that it has over you is overwhelming. Stronger than anything.

Hurt and sad about never having him, you cry. The tears slide on your cheeks from your swollen eyes. Those memories make you think. One minute, you’re smiling, the next you’re crying.

People don’t understand. You’re too young. He’s too old. They tell me.

It’s true. The facts are. But I know what I feel. And that’s true, too.

It’s not my imagination; it’s not a fallacy. I know I’m hopelessly in love and his face is all I see.

The unsettling reality.

They told her what to do. They explained to her how to do it. They gave her opportunities to do it. They expected her to do it. They wanted her to do it. She had to do it.

They said he could do it by himself. He was only 14. They told him he was independent and brave. But he just wanted to play with his friends. They pushed him to do it. Called it motivation.

She saw blood on her jeans. She ran home as fast as she could. Everyone told her she’s a woman now. She didn’t understand. They told her to cover it up. Hide it, not talk about it. As if it’s something to be ashamed of.

People called his love unnatural. His parents called a pandit to purify his soul. People asked him to just switch. “It’s easy”, they said, “Just try.” What if I asked them to do the same? He thought.

Her daughter idolised her. They society treated her like a commodity. She did what she had to do to earn money. She didn’t like the double standards the government had about her profession. She never aspired to be this. If only she had gotten a chance to educate herself.

School was like a never-ending nightmare for him. He tried to ignore their words. Forget about their cruel pranks. But their voices echoed in his head all day. One of them said, “Kill yourself”. So one day, he did.

She told her parents about it. Her voice was shaking and trembled with each word she spoke. She told them she was scared. They didn’t believe at first. He was her uncle, after all. She broke down into tears. Her mother hugged her and softly whispered in her ear, “Forget it ever happened.” She felt a sinking feeling in her stomach and anger building inside her.



STEP OUT OF STEREOTYPES. STOP LABELLING PEOPLE. STOP TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO. BE FEARLESS.

I wanted to write this because it's something that I come across everyday. Here, where I live. And I think it's really important to address these issues.
I hope you guys understand what I'm trying to say.
Thanks for reading.
Stay awesome and fearless.
xoxo.