Warrior

The commitment phobia. Any phobia or fear is because you're uncertain of what that situation might do to you. You plan it all out and you repeat the words in the your head but when you think of the situation, your heart starts beating faster, palms start sweating and your voice shrinks into a whisper.

Me and my demons: So, I've always had a problem with anxiety which sometimes results into a low self-esteem in situations that make me nervous. Whenever, I feel anxious my mind starts imagining the scenario and my chest starts feeling heavy and I can feel the confidence in me just collapsing in my ribcage. Sometimes, my palms even start sweating and they turn cold, and there is a strange tingling sensation in them. I know why but I don't. I know that the root of all of these symptoms is anxiety and stress. But why is it happening to me? Wrong question because no one can entirely answer that question.

The spotlight seems to be on me and normally I would love that but not when I feel powerless. Anxiety makes me think that I have failed even before I start. Even expressing my thoughts becomes difficult because my anxiety makes me feel like there is no importance in that thought. So what comes out externally is a meek voice stumbling with her words. Because I'm in this pressure of saying everything out in a blur, my sentences are incoherent. And my mouth is unbelievably dry, I mean I swear it had enough saliva a minute ago.

So my biggest fear?
Is for people to know my biggest weakness, to expose this state of mind, to openly admit to being in a battle with my anxiety.

Me in the past few days: So, this happened recently during my guitar class. I had to learn a song which was had a higher difficulty level than the songs that I had learnt before. This time, I was expected to get it well and fluently and I remember that while going to the class, my palms were sweating without warning. I ignored it and relaxed into the music I was listening to. When I reached the class, I had the worst time ever and not because I didn't enjoy the class but because I couldn't. I was in an anxious state of mind, sensitive to any criticism or comment.

The only thought that ran through my mind was that I need to get out of here. It took me by surprise that something I love so deeply can be affected by anxiety. Playing the guitar is something that I have been doing since the 8th grade and I love it. This time, I didn't even enjoy what I was playing because a voice in my head was constantly telling me that to give up.

This voice wasn't me, it was the anxiety.

Maybe this was because this whole week triggered anxiety for me due to various reasons. The reasons are quite trivial sometimes but what I want to focus on is getting a hold of this anxiety that has decided to live inside of me.

Instead of silently watching this anxiety take over me, I have decided to be pro-active and take steps to calm myself so that I can be comfortable with myself again. 
It takes a lot of effort, it takes dedication and it takes determination. My anxiety doesn't want that so it tries to convince me to give up and try tommorow. It wants me to put my plans on snooze and hope for the best but that is just delusional. 
So, I have decided to put down anything that I have and work towards this goal diligently. 

Stressed Out

I feel so confused right now. I'm 17 and I think life is just moving too fast. I feel like I'm losing in touch with the people around me or maybe it's because I'm not able to be honest with them. Right now, it seems like there is this huge distance between me and my friends. I talk to them but I feel so disconnected because all I can think about is the end. School is ending and when things end, people drift apart. Hopefully, this won't happen. 

Maybe it's just me being paranoid. Honestly, the past few days have been a little hard as the uncertainty of the future makes me question all that I have right now. I'm conflicted about what I want to be, what I need to be and what I am. Pressures of being that perfect person with no insecurities and negativity is making me just that, insecure and unhappy. Can the world just stop for a minute? I don't want to compare myself to anyone else. I don't want to get involved in the line of pointless thinking but my fucking mind somehow manages to drag me into it. Right now, I feel like calling each and every one of my friends to tell them how important they are to me.Because they are. I also want to tell myself about how important I am. How I will always be there for myself. I want to be honest with myself. I am putting myself out of the pressure of getting the highest grade, writing an amazing book, writing a catchy song, being as creative as I would like to be and always aiming for perfection. Fuck perfection because it isn't worth it. Being stressed out and writing a song just makes the whole art pointless. Focus on a few goals at a time and do not distract yourself with other goals until you've achieved the present ones. 

The thing about wanting quick success is that you'll always be disappointed. It's what I always end up wanting and then pressurising myself. I really need to take things slow and not get stressed out about the future. 

- 11:22 pm thoughts 

The Guy Of My Dreams

Well, he's out there somewhere or at least he's supposed to be. 

So, I was listening to this song by J. Cole and it's called 'Dreams', it's about this girl that he has a serious crush on, he idealises her and thinks that she could possibly be all that he needs. And the constant question in his head is - Is this the girl of my dreams? 

We've all had that big crush, right? That guy who's your neighbour and you think you know him because you see him everyday. You meet him in the elevator and you exchange a few glances. You accidentally brush shoulders and you share that precious moment of eye-contact. 
He seems perfect with the most charming smile you've ever seen. He's ambitious, possibly older and seems so much more mature. He represents a kind of stability you want in your life. He walks to his car and your gaze follows him but when he looks your way, you pretend to not care. It's not like you were waiting for him to come down. But even if you were, it was worth it. Totally worth it.

He's confident and he makes you laugh. There are a million things, you want to tell him but the timing is always off. When it's not the timing, it's doubt. Does he even want to know? I want him to know me and my dreams. I want us to talk for hours about the good days, the mistakes we made, the people we loved and the dreams we are chasing. My mind went to great lengths imagining detailed scenarios. That is probably the reason why it lasted for as long it did. That spark of hope ignited a fire in me every time I saw him. Nothing ever happened between us but being so blinded by the idea of him and convincing myself that I was in love, I felt extremely happy but also sad. Sad during the night, when only my thoughts could be heard. Happy when I woke up and had a chance to accidentally run into him. 
Eventually, it disappeared when he did. 

Well, yes there were other guys but they weren't as intelligent, funny or driven as him. He makes me smile even now. The endless day dreams I used to have on my way back home, that we would secretly meet at the stairs and talk for hours.  We would be holding hands and looking at the stars and then I would wake up into reality. Well, I guess he was the guy of my dreams. But one that was not meant to come true.

It's been so long since I've thought about him. I never told him about my feelings because I didn't know how to. No, that's not it, I was too scared to tell him and I thought that it would make things awkward the next time we met. It's been more than a year and I haven't met him. As more time passes, I feel like I want to tell him.