The commitment phobia. Any phobia or fear is because you're uncertain of what that situation might do to you. You plan it all out and you repeat the words in the your head but when you think of the situation, your heart starts beating faster, palms start sweating and your voice shrinks into a whisper.
Me and my demons: So, I've always had a problem with anxiety which sometimes results into a low self-esteem in situations that make me nervous. Whenever, I feel anxious my mind starts imagining the scenario and my chest starts feeling heavy and I can feel the confidence in me just collapsing in my ribcage. Sometimes, my palms even start sweating and they turn cold, and there is a strange tingling sensation in them. I know why but I don't. I know that the root of all of these symptoms is anxiety and stress. But why is it happening to me? Wrong question because no one can entirely answer that question.
The spotlight seems to be on me and normally I would love that but not when I feel powerless. Anxiety makes me think that I have failed even before I start. Even expressing my thoughts becomes difficult because my anxiety makes me feel like there is no importance in that thought. So what comes out externally is a meek voice stumbling with her words. Because I'm in this pressure of saying everything out in a blur, my sentences are incoherent. And my mouth is unbelievably dry, I mean I swear it had enough saliva a minute ago.
So my biggest fear?
Is for people to know my biggest weakness, to expose this state of mind, to openly admit to being in a battle with my anxiety.
Me in the past few days: So, this happened recently during my guitar class. I had to learn a song which was had a higher difficulty level than the songs that I had learnt before. This time, I was expected to get it well and fluently and I remember that while going to the class, my palms were sweating without warning. I ignored it and relaxed into the music I was listening to. When I reached the class, I had the worst time ever and not because I didn't enjoy the class but because I couldn't. I was in an anxious state of mind, sensitive to any criticism or comment.
The only thought that ran through my mind was that I need to get out of here. It took me by surprise that something I love so deeply can be affected by anxiety. Playing the guitar is something that I have been doing since the 8th grade and I love it. This time, I didn't even enjoy what I was playing because a voice in my head was constantly telling me that to give up.
This voice wasn't me, it was the anxiety.
Maybe this was because this whole week triggered anxiety for me due to various reasons. The reasons are quite trivial sometimes but what I want to focus on is getting a hold of this anxiety that has decided to live inside of me.
Instead of silently watching this anxiety take over me, I have decided to be pro-active and take steps to calm myself so that I can be comfortable with myself again.
It takes a lot of effort, it takes dedication and it takes determination. My anxiety doesn't want that so it tries to convince me to give up and try tommorow. It wants me to put my plans on snooze and hope for the best but that is just delusional.
So, I have decided to put down anything that I have and work towards this goal diligently.
Me and my demons: So, I've always had a problem with anxiety which sometimes results into a low self-esteem in situations that make me nervous. Whenever, I feel anxious my mind starts imagining the scenario and my chest starts feeling heavy and I can feel the confidence in me just collapsing in my ribcage. Sometimes, my palms even start sweating and they turn cold, and there is a strange tingling sensation in them. I know why but I don't. I know that the root of all of these symptoms is anxiety and stress. But why is it happening to me? Wrong question because no one can entirely answer that question.
The spotlight seems to be on me and normally I would love that but not when I feel powerless. Anxiety makes me think that I have failed even before I start. Even expressing my thoughts becomes difficult because my anxiety makes me feel like there is no importance in that thought. So what comes out externally is a meek voice stumbling with her words. Because I'm in this pressure of saying everything out in a blur, my sentences are incoherent. And my mouth is unbelievably dry, I mean I swear it had enough saliva a minute ago.
So my biggest fear?
Is for people to know my biggest weakness, to expose this state of mind, to openly admit to being in a battle with my anxiety.
Me in the past few days: So, this happened recently during my guitar class. I had to learn a song which was had a higher difficulty level than the songs that I had learnt before. This time, I was expected to get it well and fluently and I remember that while going to the class, my palms were sweating without warning. I ignored it and relaxed into the music I was listening to. When I reached the class, I had the worst time ever and not because I didn't enjoy the class but because I couldn't. I was in an anxious state of mind, sensitive to any criticism or comment.
The only thought that ran through my mind was that I need to get out of here. It took me by surprise that something I love so deeply can be affected by anxiety. Playing the guitar is something that I have been doing since the 8th grade and I love it. This time, I didn't even enjoy what I was playing because a voice in my head was constantly telling me that to give up.
This voice wasn't me, it was the anxiety.
Maybe this was because this whole week triggered anxiety for me due to various reasons. The reasons are quite trivial sometimes but what I want to focus on is getting a hold of this anxiety that has decided to live inside of me.
Instead of silently watching this anxiety take over me, I have decided to be pro-active and take steps to calm myself so that I can be comfortable with myself again.
It takes a lot of effort, it takes dedication and it takes determination. My anxiety doesn't want that so it tries to convince me to give up and try tommorow. It wants me to put my plans on snooze and hope for the best but that is just delusional.
So, I have decided to put down anything that I have and work towards this goal diligently.
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