Warrior

The commitment phobia. Any phobia or fear is because you're uncertain of what that situation might do to you. You plan it all out and you repeat the words in the your head but when you think of the situation, your heart starts beating faster, palms start sweating and your voice shrinks into a whisper.

Me and my demons: So, I've always had a problem with anxiety which sometimes results into a low self-esteem in situations that make me nervous. Whenever, I feel anxious my mind starts imagining the scenario and my chest starts feeling heavy and I can feel the confidence in me just collapsing in my ribcage. Sometimes, my palms even start sweating and they turn cold, and there is a strange tingling sensation in them. I know why but I don't. I know that the root of all of these symptoms is anxiety and stress. But why is it happening to me? Wrong question because no one can entirely answer that question.

The spotlight seems to be on me and normally I would love that but not when I feel powerless. Anxiety makes me think that I have failed even before I start. Even expressing my thoughts becomes difficult because my anxiety makes me feel like there is no importance in that thought. So what comes out externally is a meek voice stumbling with her words. Because I'm in this pressure of saying everything out in a blur, my sentences are incoherent. And my mouth is unbelievably dry, I mean I swear it had enough saliva a minute ago.

So my biggest fear?
Is for people to know my biggest weakness, to expose this state of mind, to openly admit to being in a battle with my anxiety.

Me in the past few days: So, this happened recently during my guitar class. I had to learn a song which was had a higher difficulty level than the songs that I had learnt before. This time, I was expected to get it well and fluently and I remember that while going to the class, my palms were sweating without warning. I ignored it and relaxed into the music I was listening to. When I reached the class, I had the worst time ever and not because I didn't enjoy the class but because I couldn't. I was in an anxious state of mind, sensitive to any criticism or comment.

The only thought that ran through my mind was that I need to get out of here. It took me by surprise that something I love so deeply can be affected by anxiety. Playing the guitar is something that I have been doing since the 8th grade and I love it. This time, I didn't even enjoy what I was playing because a voice in my head was constantly telling me that to give up.

This voice wasn't me, it was the anxiety.

Maybe this was because this whole week triggered anxiety for me due to various reasons. The reasons are quite trivial sometimes but what I want to focus on is getting a hold of this anxiety that has decided to live inside of me.

Instead of silently watching this anxiety take over me, I have decided to be pro-active and take steps to calm myself so that I can be comfortable with myself again. 
It takes a lot of effort, it takes dedication and it takes determination. My anxiety doesn't want that so it tries to convince me to give up and try tommorow. It wants me to put my plans on snooze and hope for the best but that is just delusional. 
So, I have decided to put down anything that I have and work towards this goal diligently. 

Stressed Out

I feel so confused right now. I'm 17 and I think life is just moving too fast. I feel like I'm losing in touch with the people around me or maybe it's because I'm not able to be honest with them. Right now, it seems like there is this huge distance between me and my friends. I talk to them but I feel so disconnected because all I can think about is the end. School is ending and when things end, people drift apart. Hopefully, this won't happen. 

Maybe it's just me being paranoid. Honestly, the past few days have been a little hard as the uncertainty of the future makes me question all that I have right now. I'm conflicted about what I want to be, what I need to be and what I am. Pressures of being that perfect person with no insecurities and negativity is making me just that, insecure and unhappy. Can the world just stop for a minute? I don't want to compare myself to anyone else. I don't want to get involved in the line of pointless thinking but my fucking mind somehow manages to drag me into it. Right now, I feel like calling each and every one of my friends to tell them how important they are to me.Because they are. I also want to tell myself about how important I am. How I will always be there for myself. I want to be honest with myself. I am putting myself out of the pressure of getting the highest grade, writing an amazing book, writing a catchy song, being as creative as I would like to be and always aiming for perfection. Fuck perfection because it isn't worth it. Being stressed out and writing a song just makes the whole art pointless. Focus on a few goals at a time and do not distract yourself with other goals until you've achieved the present ones. 

The thing about wanting quick success is that you'll always be disappointed. It's what I always end up wanting and then pressurising myself. I really need to take things slow and not get stressed out about the future. 

- 11:22 pm thoughts 

The Guy Of My Dreams

Well, he's out there somewhere or at least he's supposed to be. 

So, I was listening to this song by J. Cole and it's called 'Dreams', it's about this girl that he has a serious crush on, he idealises her and thinks that she could possibly be all that he needs. And the constant question in his head is - Is this the girl of my dreams? 

We've all had that big crush, right? That guy who's your neighbour and you think you know him because you see him everyday. You meet him in the elevator and you exchange a few glances. You accidentally brush shoulders and you share that precious moment of eye-contact. 
He seems perfect with the most charming smile you've ever seen. He's ambitious, possibly older and seems so much more mature. He represents a kind of stability you want in your life. He walks to his car and your gaze follows him but when he looks your way, you pretend to not care. It's not like you were waiting for him to come down. But even if you were, it was worth it. Totally worth it.

He's confident and he makes you laugh. There are a million things, you want to tell him but the timing is always off. When it's not the timing, it's doubt. Does he even want to know? I want him to know me and my dreams. I want us to talk for hours about the good days, the mistakes we made, the people we loved and the dreams we are chasing. My mind went to great lengths imagining detailed scenarios. That is probably the reason why it lasted for as long it did. That spark of hope ignited a fire in me every time I saw him. Nothing ever happened between us but being so blinded by the idea of him and convincing myself that I was in love, I felt extremely happy but also sad. Sad during the night, when only my thoughts could be heard. Happy when I woke up and had a chance to accidentally run into him. 
Eventually, it disappeared when he did. 

Well, yes there were other guys but they weren't as intelligent, funny or driven as him. He makes me smile even now. The endless day dreams I used to have on my way back home, that we would secretly meet at the stairs and talk for hours.  We would be holding hands and looking at the stars and then I would wake up into reality. Well, I guess he was the guy of my dreams. But one that was not meant to come true.

It's been so long since I've thought about him. I never told him about my feelings because I didn't know how to. No, that's not it, I was too scared to tell him and I thought that it would make things awkward the next time we met. It's been more than a year and I haven't met him. As more time passes, I feel like I want to tell him. 

Why I write

The days when you don't feel like getting out of bed. The days you'd rather spend all alone. Why would you spend them alone? Because you need time. Time to think. Time to understand what the hell is going on with you. Sometimes, your feelings might overwhelm you and you might hesitate to feel them but don't. Don't ever hesitate to feel them, don't be afraid to be sad.

As I was in my car, looking out of the window, my thoughts just pulled me into this hole. Into this hole of loneliness and heartbreak. The words of the song I was listening only sparked memories in my head. Memories that are hard to forget. Why do I keep thinking about you so much? Anyway, it wasn't just you, today felt like it was one of those days where I just didn't have any purpose. I felt like a zombie fulfilling my obligations and faking a smile every time someone talked to me. My inner voice was a bitch, criticising every move I made. I didn't even have words to describe what I was feeling. All I knew was that I wanted to escape. Escape time and travel to some other moment. A better moment. The stress, the sadness, the critical voice in my head, the loneliness, I wanted to escape it all but no matter how hard I tried to run away from these feelings. They grabbed me with their claws and I just sunk further into the hole. The hole that is created by me and only I can get myself out of it. When I am in this hole, when I finally accept that something is not right in my life, I am able to reflect. My blurry vision and pessimistic view fades and I am able to see the strong, confident and beautiful person that I am. 

This is why I write. I write and I scribble till all my feelings are expressed.

Disappear

Into a dream, a place where I don't remember the past.

A place where I can begin again without struggling to let go every single morning.

But I can't 

I thought forgiveness would heal me but you never even asked for it

So, I decided that it's better to stick to plan A

Hating you will make me forget

Delete those unwanted memories

But I've realised that it isn't the memories I have to let go of, 

It's you.

The better parts of life

Going to the airport that morning, I felt optimistic. As my parents dropped us off at the gate, I removed my bag and said goodbye to them. I felt like I had done this a million times. In the airplane, I slept even though my neck hurt after every 15 minutes forcing me to wake up and change my position. 

When we got down from the plane, we came across an old lady struggling to board the bus with her luggage. She was short and was waiting to the path to clear but everyone just rushed in front of her, not giving her an inch to move. When she finally reached the door, she couldn’t lift her bag over the gap. Aditya immediately rushed towards her and offered her help. I could see the relief on her face as he lifted her heavy bag. He was probably her knight in shinning armour in an alien city. It was really nice to see him help her especially while no one else did. I was really proud of him at that moment.

So meet Aditya, my adopted brother. (just kidding, he's not adopted.) He is my little brother even though when we stand together people almost always mistake me for the younger one. I mean seriously? The height difference is really misleading. 

We're quite different from each other but we're still very close. It's with him that I know I can be myself, the stupidest version of myself. There are times when he annoys me to the point where I wish he would just disappear but then I find myself thinking how lucky I am to have him. He always tries to cheer me up with his lame jokes that I always laugh at, I somehow always do. Even when all of us hang out and Aditya comes up with a lame joke, I burst out into a laugh while everyone else is like "Really?". So that's our thing. I might not show him that I love him like he does because I don't do bear hugs. No matter how annoying he is, I can't stand other people talk bullshit about him because I'm the only one who can do that. He's my little brother who thinks he knows-it-all but I'll always be there on the sidelines to catch him if he falls.  

M.A.S forever.

Being in love.

Being in love is exactly like I had read about in the books, watched in the movies. It all seems beautiful as you step into it and as you walk further into the tunnel of love, you notice it getting darker and narrower. You hold on tight to the souvenirs, you collected on the way. The pictures, the clothes and the memories all of them start disappearing but you continue walking anyway, hoping to see the light at the end. 

Being in love is always having that person in the back of your mind everywhere you go. Waking up to the thought of him and going to bed, hoping that he loves you back. 

Being in love is having a crazy obsession with that person. That's what real love is, when he literally drives you crazy. The good kind of crazy. 

Being in love is being selfless. It's realising that you would give up anything for that person without even knowing if they'd do the same. That tends to really backfire and hurt when it's unrequited. 

Being in love is wanting to forgive that person for all the pain that he inflicted on you. 

Being in love is having the ability to fix him every time he falls apart bringing you down with him. 

In the beginning, it was like strapping on to a rollercoaster with unexpected twists and turns. But when it's over, you find yourself wanting to go back. You want it even more now. It's like telling yourself that this is the last episode or last piece of chocolate you'll have because you just can't stop yourself. Later, you reach flat ground, you can walk without looking down now. You see him waiting for you and you run to him and embrace him in your arms. He tells you everything you want to hear, all the times he missed you. You smile and a warm feeling encompasses you. You find yourself in this bubble of romance; fragile but still capable of withstanding heartbreak. As you get comfortable in that space, you start to trust him slowly. Through your eyes, he's perfect. His flaws are acceptable. He looks perfect in his worst and you admire him for who he is. Maybe not, because through all of this, your perception of him changes and you see him the way you want to. Every memory is altered because of your love. Even the ones you shared with him, both of you remember it differently with different emotions. Nothing is in black and white.

There comes a day when he wants to get out of the bubble. When he's tired of your shit, when he's had enough, when he is just not happy anymore. He contemplates on bursting it while you are disillusioned by his love. You're completely oblivious to this and then one night, you feel something sting your skin. The bubble doesn't exist anymore so you look around and see him standing with a needle in his hand, moving away from you. You try to reach out to him but he hides behind the shadows. This drives you crazy, it makes you pull out your hair and cry until your eyes are sore. You allow yourself to feel the pain for a while and then decide that you can only handle so much pain. Because before anyone else, you love yourself and you know that you matter.

The next morning, nothing's changed so you cry a little more. Go back to bed because you're not ready for the world yet. You decide that it's time you tell him the truth. Tell him what he couldn't see and what he should know. "I'm in love with you." you say, finally. "I didn't know." he says.
He didn't know. Makes you wonder how things would have been if you'd told him earlier.
You didn't lash out on him or demean him for everything that he did. You didn't want to.

Strangely, all you wanted to do was comfort him. You'd finally found him and you just wanted to hold his hand, look into his eyes and tell him that it'll get better. You wanted to be the one for him, not romantically but just be there. You genuinely cared about his happiness and realising that made you feel wonderful because the feeling was so real and powerful.

Being in love is learning about yourself. Realising the kind of love you are capable of.