It's all in your head

I wake up as miserable I was at night.

I feel so weak 

I have anxiety and I feel myself relapsing into depression

I was always in a constant battle with anxiety

but this time it won, 

it has taken control of me,

paralysed my limbs and numbed my body

But it's all in my head, all in my head

while all my friends make new friends

I sit alone on my bed, lights off

tears streaming down my face

'you're pathetic' says a voice in my head

'you never go to any parties, what a loser'

maybe they're right

but it's not my fault, I say in defence

and a flashback begins of all my worst moments

But it's all in my head, all in my head

Shit, I need to go to college

I need to get out of bed somehow,

you can do this,

As I enter the class and I feel a thousand eyes looking at me,

'they didn't even notice' i say to make myself feel better

I sit next to the wall,

everyone takes their seat but no one sits beside me

I'm the only one sitting alone, 

'you're a fucking loner' a voice says

I feel myself about to burst into tears but
I hold the feeling until after class

but it's all in my head, all in my head

I can't stop comparing myself 

to my friends, my brother and my parents,

I love them 

but when I look myself, I ask

Why can't I be normal? I'm so fucking abnormal

I'm a disappointment

but it's all in my head, all in my head

I've never been in a relationship

because my self-esteem is so low

it's almost non-existent 

'they wouldn't want you for long.' the voices echo in my he-

but it doesn't matter because...

you know, it's all in my head, all in my head

I'm eighteen now, 

People are supposed to have the time of their life at this age,

For me, days just keep passing by like the wind,

and I stand at the same place

feeling absolutely nothing as my world shatters

how many times will you fight it? 

there comes a time when you just give up

I should have known, I'm just a depressed soul. 

But it's all in my head, all in my head, 

Fragile Heart

One day my heart might just give up,

Everyday in class, it thinks I’m in danger

Every time I raise my hand to answer a question,

It tells me not to,

How?

By beating as fast as it can,

By pounding against my chest cavity

As if, as if trying to get out of my rib cage

So, I come home

I listen to some music, calm my nerves

I make a list, list of positive thoughts to keep in mind

I write a stupid poem about anxiety

Put the problem to bed

Or so I thought

For the next 2 months, I am hit by the most severe

Panic attacks and shakiness

I cry and I cry until I can’t breathe

But I pretend to be normal the next day,

Now, I hate myself

I can’t get out of my room

Hell, I can’t even get out of my bed

I close my eyes for an extra hour after I wake up

Forcing myself to go to sleep,

Because being awake means being tortured

by only your thoughts,

This time is wasted,

My life seems like a task,

I feel dead inside,

I’m a ghost, maybe I always was

A ghost pretending to be human,

The end of me

Alone

Everything is weird. It's different and no, I don't want to get used to it. It's small and limiting. I feel trapped here and not very independent as I'm supposed to feel. I tried to make myself feel better by preaching the idea of being alone and being enough for yourself but it doesn't always work. I go on long walks because I want to escape myself, I want to escape this feeling of loneliness, this feeling of disconnection. The more become okay with being alone, the less effort I want to make to talk to people. It's confusing. I keep telling myself to go with the flow, laugh more and engage in the moment but the truth is I'm not okay. The past haunts me and so does the present. I walk down the road listening to music and observe the city so that I don't have to listen to my own thoughts. I feel alone and I know that only I can fix that but right now, I don't know what to do.

Change

It should be embraced but man, I hate it. It fucking scares me and makes me question everything. Why would I want to leave this place? I was only beginning to know it, I was only starting to fall in love with it. Why would I want to leave my friends? They're amazing and honestly, I can't help but question if we will survive this distance. Why would I want to leave this feeling of familiarity? I wouldn't.

It feels like starting over. Funny thing is that whenever I look back, I feel like it was meant to be. Every event that took place had a reason or maybe my brain wants me to think so.
Yes, things seemed bleak and scary but I made it through.

Don't get me wrong though, I want change, I want to go to a new place and meet new people. But as that moment comes closer, I feel so unprepared. I am caught off guard and I want to take a step back but I can't. I've already come too far. There's something unsettling about leaving, you start to look at people and places differently. The truth is you can never be truly prepared for change. It's going to surprise you, it's going to overwhelm you and there's nothing you can do about it.

Distance from home won't matter as time passes by but this time I don't want to have a countdown. I don't want to wait for college to get over. I don't want to wait to come back home. I don't know if these 4 years will be a blur or memorable or anything. All I know is I'm scared right now and it's because I don't know what and who will still be there with me after these 4 years. I want to be the same person but better. I want to learn and be independent.  I want my constants to remain constant. (you know who you are) I'm leaving but along with my clothes, I will be taking this city and a thousand memories with me.

4 years and I'll be someone else. Nah, I'll still be me.

Take a moment

Stop everything that you are doing and take a moment to appreciate yourself. And make sure that moment lasts forever. Try to get to know yourself and ask yourself how you are. Be honest about the answer, spill out all your insecurities, the disturbing thoughts and the moments that made you smile. Look at yourself in the mirror and talk to yourself.

I've seen such a positive change in me since last week. It's almost miraculous. I feel so confident inside and so balanced. I don't know if my friends and family can see the difference but I feel it and its so powerful. Well, it may be a little harder to see for them because they don't know how my anxiety used to crush me every other day. 

I was sick of it. It had been two years and there were moments where I gave up on important opportunities and on myself. I cried because I used to get so conscious of even the slightest critical remark or even a joke. I used to think that other people are mean and heartless. (Yes, I'm very dramatic so...) But I was the one who demeaned myself the most, the one who pointed out every flaw and made myself feel terribly bad about it. I still have those flaws but now I laugh about them. The same things that I found embarrassing are now funny because I've learned to laugh at my tiny flaws. I've learned that just because you are not doing well or are not good at playing the guitar, at playing basketball or at math does not mean that you'll never be. I was so pre-occupied about the fear of being likeable that it's all I thought about when I talked to them. There was an anxiety filter in my body and every word that came out of it was instilled with fear and nervousness. I couldn't even smile because it was like being trapped in the web of anxiety and intrusive thoughts. 

Anxiety is pressing and dark. It's not entirely invisible because you can see my palms swearing, you can hear my heart beating faster, my mouth drying up in an instant. I say that I'm nervous but I'm not just nervous, I'm dying. I can't breathe and I can hear my heart beating. 

I haven't felt that way in a long time and I feel like I'm looking at life with a new perspective. Sounds like some teleshopping testimony right? Well, it isn't, and trust me, with 3 installments of $19.99, you can be just like me!

Warrior

The commitment phobia. Any phobia or fear is because you're uncertain of what that situation might do to you. You plan it all out and you repeat the words in the your head but when you think of the situation, your heart starts beating faster, palms start sweating and your voice shrinks into a whisper.

Me and my demons: So, I've always had a problem with anxiety which sometimes results into a low self-esteem in situations that make me nervous. Whenever, I feel anxious my mind starts imagining the scenario and my chest starts feeling heavy and I can feel the confidence in me just collapsing in my ribcage. Sometimes, my palms even start sweating and they turn cold, and there is a strange tingling sensation in them. I know why but I don't. I know that the root of all of these symptoms is anxiety and stress. But why is it happening to me? Wrong question because no one can entirely answer that question.

The spotlight seems to be on me and normally I would love that but not when I feel powerless. Anxiety makes me think that I have failed even before I start. Even expressing my thoughts becomes difficult because my anxiety makes me feel like there is no importance in that thought. So what comes out externally is a meek voice stumbling with her words. Because I'm in this pressure of saying everything out in a blur, my sentences are incoherent. And my mouth is unbelievably dry, I mean I swear it had enough saliva a minute ago.

So my biggest fear?
Is for people to know my biggest weakness, to expose this state of mind, to openly admit to being in a battle with my anxiety.

Me in the past few days: So, this happened recently during my guitar class. I had to learn a song which was had a higher difficulty level than the songs that I had learnt before. This time, I was expected to get it well and fluently and I remember that while going to the class, my palms were sweating without warning. I ignored it and relaxed into the music I was listening to. When I reached the class, I had the worst time ever and not because I didn't enjoy the class but because I couldn't. I was in an anxious state of mind, sensitive to any criticism or comment.

The only thought that ran through my mind was that I need to get out of here. It took me by surprise that something I love so deeply can be affected by anxiety. Playing the guitar is something that I have been doing since the 8th grade and I love it. This time, I didn't even enjoy what I was playing because a voice in my head was constantly telling me that to give up.

This voice wasn't me, it was the anxiety.

Maybe this was because this whole week triggered anxiety for me due to various reasons. The reasons are quite trivial sometimes but what I want to focus on is getting a hold of this anxiety that has decided to live inside of me.

Instead of silently watching this anxiety take over me, I have decided to be pro-active and take steps to calm myself so that I can be comfortable with myself again. 
It takes a lot of effort, it takes dedication and it takes determination. My anxiety doesn't want that so it tries to convince me to give up and try tommorow. It wants me to put my plans on snooze and hope for the best but that is just delusional. 
So, I have decided to put down anything that I have and work towards this goal diligently. 

Stressed Out

I feel so confused right now. I'm 17 and I think life is just moving too fast. I feel like I'm losing in touch with the people around me or maybe it's because I'm not able to be honest with them. Right now, it seems like there is this huge distance between me and my friends. I talk to them but I feel so disconnected because all I can think about is the end. School is ending and when things end, people drift apart. Hopefully, this won't happen. 

Maybe it's just me being paranoid. Honestly, the past few days have been a little hard as the uncertainty of the future makes me question all that I have right now. I'm conflicted about what I want to be, what I need to be and what I am. Pressures of being that perfect person with no insecurities and negativity is making me just that, insecure and unhappy. Can the world just stop for a minute? I don't want to compare myself to anyone else. I don't want to get involved in the line of pointless thinking but my fucking mind somehow manages to drag me into it. Right now, I feel like calling each and every one of my friends to tell them how important they are to me.Because they are. I also want to tell myself about how important I am. How I will always be there for myself. I want to be honest with myself. I am putting myself out of the pressure of getting the highest grade, writing an amazing book, writing a catchy song, being as creative as I would like to be and always aiming for perfection. Fuck perfection because it isn't worth it. Being stressed out and writing a song just makes the whole art pointless. Focus on a few goals at a time and do not distract yourself with other goals until you've achieved the present ones. 

The thing about wanting quick success is that you'll always be disappointed. It's what I always end up wanting and then pressurising myself. I really need to take things slow and not get stressed out about the future. 

- 11:22 pm thoughts 

The Guy Of My Dreams

Well, he's out there somewhere or at least he's supposed to be. 

So, I was listening to this song by J. Cole and it's called 'Dreams', it's about this girl that he has a serious crush on, he idealises her and thinks that she could possibly be all that he needs. And the constant question in his head is - Is this the girl of my dreams? 

We've all had that big crush, right? That guy who's your neighbour and you think you know him because you see him everyday. You meet him in the elevator and you exchange a few glances. You accidentally brush shoulders and you share that precious moment of eye-contact. 
He seems perfect with the most charming smile you've ever seen. He's ambitious, possibly older and seems so much more mature. He represents a kind of stability you want in your life. He walks to his car and your gaze follows him but when he looks your way, you pretend to not care. It's not like you were waiting for him to come down. But even if you were, it was worth it. Totally worth it.

He's confident and he makes you laugh. There are a million things, you want to tell him but the timing is always off. When it's not the timing, it's doubt. Does he even want to know? I want him to know me and my dreams. I want us to talk for hours about the good days, the mistakes we made, the people we loved and the dreams we are chasing. My mind went to great lengths imagining detailed scenarios. That is probably the reason why it lasted for as long it did. That spark of hope ignited a fire in me every time I saw him. Nothing ever happened between us but being so blinded by the idea of him and convincing myself that I was in love, I felt extremely happy but also sad. Sad during the night, when only my thoughts could be heard. Happy when I woke up and had a chance to accidentally run into him. 
Eventually, it disappeared when he did. 

Well, yes there were other guys but they weren't as intelligent, funny or driven as him. He makes me smile even now. The endless day dreams I used to have on my way back home, that we would secretly meet at the stairs and talk for hours.  We would be holding hands and looking at the stars and then I would wake up into reality. Well, I guess he was the guy of my dreams. But one that was not meant to come true.

It's been so long since I've thought about him. I never told him about my feelings because I didn't know how to. No, that's not it, I was too scared to tell him and I thought that it would make things awkward the next time we met. It's been more than a year and I haven't met him. As more time passes, I feel like I want to tell him. 

Why I write

The days when you don't feel like getting out of bed. The days you'd rather spend all alone. Why would you spend them alone? Because you need time. Time to think. Time to understand what the hell is going on with you. Sometimes, your feelings might overwhelm you and you might hesitate to feel them but don't. Don't ever hesitate to feel them, don't be afraid to be sad.

As I was in my car, looking out of the window, my thoughts just pulled me into this hole. Into this hole of loneliness and heartbreak. The words of the song I was listening only sparked memories in my head. Memories that are hard to forget. Why do I keep thinking about you so much? Anyway, it wasn't just you, today felt like it was one of those days where I just didn't have any purpose. I felt like a zombie fulfilling my obligations and faking a smile every time someone talked to me. My inner voice was a bitch, criticising every move I made. I didn't even have words to describe what I was feeling. All I knew was that I wanted to escape. Escape time and travel to some other moment. A better moment. The stress, the sadness, the critical voice in my head, the loneliness, I wanted to escape it all but no matter how hard I tried to run away from these feelings. They grabbed me with their claws and I just sunk further into the hole. The hole that is created by me and only I can get myself out of it. When I am in this hole, when I finally accept that something is not right in my life, I am able to reflect. My blurry vision and pessimistic view fades and I am able to see the strong, confident and beautiful person that I am. 

This is why I write. I write and I scribble till all my feelings are expressed.

Disappear

Into a dream, a place where I don't remember the past.

A place where I can begin again without struggling to let go every single morning.

But I can't 

I thought forgiveness would heal me but you never even asked for it

So, I decided that it's better to stick to plan A

Hating you will make me forget

Delete those unwanted memories

But I've realised that it isn't the memories I have to let go of, 

It's you.